


Hidden Love

by Kattwyllie



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Explicit Language, F/F, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:21:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29267913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kattwyllie/pseuds/Kattwyllie
Summary: Can be read as an alternate timeline for Hidden DesiresFor the sake of the fic, it takes place the same year the ep’s did in the early 2000’s/
Relationships: Alexandra Cabot (L&O: SVU)/Reader
Kudos: 9





	Hidden Love

It had been one hell of a long day by the time you returned to your apartment and you were more than ready to all but shotgun the bottle of wine in your cupboard. If that was even possible, you weren’t sure. As awesome as Valentines Day was as a kid, the candy, chocolate, little cute cards that everyone was required to give to everyone in the class, the festivity began to lack with each year that passed. 

Then you and Liv had to spend the majority of the day talking with students and teachers at the high school where there had been accusations against the assistant cheerleading coach. The place was decked out with red and pink decorations, candy grams, Valentines, matchmaker quizzes and gooey puppy love teenagers everywhere giggling over the excitement of a dance that night. It was like they were trying to rub it in that they were living in a fantasy of a better time than you (though lets be real…high school low key sucked too).

This particular Valentines Day was worse because Alex had been gone for four months now. When you pushed the door open to your previously shared apartment you had to remind yourself ‘it’s over…it’s over..’ the cold empty home no way near as welcoming as it was when she was there. Though, it technically _wasn’t_ over. 

Olivia had offered to come over that night, cook you dinner and keep you company, but then you would have to explain as to why literally everything of Alex’s was still there, why you hadn’t purged any of her things to make the pain of memories more bearable. You couldn’t explain it because you were the only person who knew Alex was still alive, stashed in witness protection somewhere around the country, you had no idea where. 

You would be eternally grateful that she’d fought like hell to make sure she got to say goodbye to you after the hospital before she left. You only wished you had had more time together before she left, but you had to deal with the fact that it was ten minutes in an abandoned lot on the outskirts of the city. You’d bawled your faces off in each other’s arms as long as you could, you begged her to let you come with her, begged her agent to allow it. Screw your career, screw even having time to pack a bag, you’d get in the car right then and there if it meant being able to be with your love. You were instead reminded that the program only allowed legal spouses and children to be included with the witness. Not that it would have mattered if you tried for a shotgun wedding, gay marriage wasn’t legal in New York anyways. You had no choice but to say goodbye.

So you attended the funeral the next day, you grieved alongside your coworkers because even if she wasn’t dead, she was still gone, out of your life with absolutely no contact for who knew how long. You were simply living out a memory of a love that died. But the part of you that was holding onto her, the part of you that knew she was still out there and hopefully wouldn’t fall out of love with you, was the part that kept your apartment just the way it had been before that fateful day.

You changed out of your work clothes, wrapping an old Harvard sweater of Alex’s around your chilled bones. As you moved through the apartment your hand hit the two way long distance lamp on the end table, using your phone to change it to purple, your favourite colour. It had turned up on your doorstep, wrapped in an Amazon box approximately two months ago, no note, no other address aside from the Amazon warehouse. You’d read the instructions, hooked it up and left it, you’d nearly jumped out of your skin when it shot on a few hours later, changing a bright blue colour….Alex’s favourite. Naturally you’d burst into tears over the entire situation. Alex had found a way to very secretly and discreetly communicate with you. It wasn’t much, but the lamps were connected, you touched yours, it would turn on hers and vice versa, your little way of showing the other that you were thinking of them. That you missed them, that you still loved them. You’d bought a little notebook that you kept beside the lamp, everytime Alex turned it on you’d write her a little note, everytime you had something to say, you’d write something a little longer before you turned yours on, as if you were hitting send on text. 

Putzing through the kitchen you pulled down the bottle of wine, grabbing a glass from the drying rack, tugging open the fridge with a deep sigh. At first you thought you’d be ordering takeout but you’d nearly forgotten you’d made a batch of lasagna a couple days prior, quickly heating that up for dinner. Casablanca was playing on the movie channel, you left that on while you moped over your food and wine, wishing Alex was there to play with your hair, tell you that it was all going to be okay.

You jolted when your phone rang, you pleaded that it wasn’t work, especially once you saw Olivia’s name flashing on the screen.

“Yeah?” You answered, pushing up to sitting on the couch.

“I’m just checking in.” She greeted warmly, “no work emergencies.”

“Oh thank God.”

“How’re you holding up?”

“Well, it’s late and I’m with my love alone.” You sighed, “every part of my being still loves her. I just wish she was here.”

“I know..” Liv’s voice softened, “I knew today would be tough with what you had planned…”

“Yeah…” your eyes fell to the small velvet box placed beside the still purple lamp. Sure, an engagement wouldn’t have done much legally at this point, but it was the commitment, the promise to be together forever that really mattered to you, to the both of you. You’d had the discussion a hundred times, you’d agreed on a wanting a usual engagement, rings, a party celebrating your love even if you couldn’t sign a stupid piece of paper.

“You sure you don’t want me to come over?”

“Nah,” you took a swig of your drink, “I’ve got enough wine to drown in and Italian food with three times the amount of recommended cheese.” Olivia laughed.

“Okay. Hey….don’t worry okay, even if it feels like the end of the earth right now, things will get better.” She reminded you. Your head shot up as the lamp suddenly changed to blue, Alex was home..and she was thinking of you, you couldn’t help the dopey smile on your cheeks.

“Yeah…it will be..”

“G’night.”

“Night.” 

Hanging up quickly your eyes were transfixed by the lamp. Honestly, it helped a lot more than you thought Alex even realized. You were still worried, even with her in witsec you were worried about them somehow tracking her down, so whenever that light turned on or went blue, you knew she was home, and that she was _safe._ Using the app you made it flash yellow three times to make sure you had her attention. Then you flashed it red, followed by pink, followed by blue. It paused on the blue for a moment before it flashed red, pink, and then purple. Even without words you had managed to come up with a code that meant I love you. And today, that brought tears to your eyes. You snuggled deeper into her hoodie, picking up the small box, cracking it open to look at the ring, you didn’t know how long it would be, but you _knew_ you’d be giving it to Alex Cabot one day.

*  
A year and a week later you were working on the Connors case, you’d tried to take a step back once the ballistics match came back, considering your knowledge, but Liv ended up out sick and you were stuck working it with Stabler. Casey called out that the detectives were there to arrest him for Alex’s murder and your heart jumped into your chest.

Back at the precinct you got called into Cragen’s office after he had noticed your signature was missing on the DD 5’s, you were thankful at the presence of Agent Hammond already there. He gave you a telling nod and you declared you weren’t comfortable committing perjury to sign the forms. Before you knew it, Alex was back in New York. 

The night before the trial was spent in her hotel room, there were tears, there were laughs, there were moments of near silence, the room filled with breathy gasps and moans. But most of all, there was a moment where you told her just how much you loved her, and presented her with the ring. The ever so emotionless Alexandra Cabot was really put through the ringer that night, tears bubbling in her eyes for a whole new reason as she accepted your proposal before pushing you back against the pillows to show you just how much she loved you. 

While darkness truly sunk through the room, your voices softened, neither of you really wanting to go to sleep despite the big day ahead. You weren’t sure what was going to come from the trail, and wanted to make sure every moment together was perfect. You half joked about running off to Canada after it wrapped, gay marriage had been legalized in Ontario the year prior, at least then you’d have something, you assured each other that no matter what happened, you would be together.The most important thing was that you fell asleep in each other’s arms, small smiles on your faces, satisfied and incredibly happy to be where you wanted to be once again.

Unfortunately for everyone, despite the win, Alex was whisked right back into Witness Protection the moment the trial wrapped. Olivia saw the way your entire body sunk at the news, making sure to keep an eye on you for the rest of the evening, offering you a ride home when she saw the tears begin to glass at your eyes.

When you got home the lamp was off, you turned it on, leaving it on purple. You ended up passing out on the couch as you waited for it to turn back blue, but it never did, you fell asleep on a damp pillow that night.

It was nearly a week later, you were moping your way through making breakfast, your brain replaying every moment in that hotel room, now more than ever worried that something had happened to Alex between the trial and her new location. Three bright flashes of yellow bounced off the walls and your face split into a huge grin, turning toward the living room as you watched it go from red to pink to purple. You quickly repeated the chain but ended with blue. Alex was fine, and she still loved you. (You’d later find out that she hadn’t been allowed to go back to Wisconsin and had to order a new lamp for her new apartment/life).

*  
The next three years were some of the hardest of your life, those little flashes of light all you had to remind you that Alex was still there for you. Though everytime that lamp flicked on, it brought a smile to your face and a warmth to your chest. Olivia, along with the rest of the squad was gently urging you to maybe start dating again, that no one knew when this was going to be over, if Alex would ever be allowed to be Alex again without being in danger. They of course, didn’t know about the ring, about the promises you’d made to each other in the darkness of her hotel room. She’d kept the ring on a chain, completely hidden underneath a turtle neck during the trial. Alex was worried about your safety, that if her life was still in danger, and a perp found out she had a partner, that they’d go after the not hidden by the government option.

Which is exactly why she didn’t tell you she was back in New York until she was one hundred percent certain that they finally had the all clear.

And why you were stuck in the middle of a closed off street, grumbling about the cold, grumbling about Greylek being one of her must be at the crime scene sprees. Fin’s voice broke into your thoughts,

“That’s not Greylek.”

At first you rolled your eyes, great, another new A.D.A, just what the team needed. Then you glanced up and it was like the entire world stopped, suddenly everything and everyone on that street was a blur, the only thing that you saw was the blonde with a small sheepish smile that burst into one she couldn’t control as you gasped, shrieking her name. It no longer mattered that you were in the middle of the road surrounded by your coworkers, that you were waiting outside a literal blood filled crime scene, all you had eyes for was her. You sprinted to her, pulling her into the most passionate kiss either of you had ever shared, tears slowly starting to streak over your cheeks. Your faces remaining close together you spoke quietly, 

“You’re really back?” You asked, voice shaking.

“I’m back baby.” Her hand moved up to cup your cheek and you caught it in your own.

“You’re…wearing the ring?”

“I made a promise..” her voice suddenly wavered, “I…uh…I understand if you don’t want”-

“No! I told you!”

“You..you really waited for me?”

“I would wait for eternity if it meant to be with you Alexandra.”

She was about to kiss you again when a loud whistle from Cragen made you both jump, cheeks flushing at the sudden realization that your little private moment was exactly the opposite of that. Ducking your heads, you muttered a quick apology to the team as you hurried towards the scene, thankful that no one called you out on the fact that you didn’t drop hands until it was time to make your separate ways.

Four years apart had truly been some of the hardest days of your lives, you’d hated having to be apart for so long, and you both agreed that you weren’t sure you would’ve made it without the reminders of love from the lamps. When Alex had been back for the trial you’d decided on a couple of other code sequences for the colours, able to say more than just I love you, or having the other know that you were safe and thinking of them. You would never stop thanking Alex for not only discovering them but sending you yours.

It took another two years before you were actually able to get married, but the moment you could, you did. A quick ceremony at city hall followed by a small party of your love surrounded by your closest friends any family at your apartment. Every day had been a struggle for so long that you weren’t going to let a minute go to waste, especially now that you could officially adress the other as _‘my wife’._


End file.
